I looked at my own cervix.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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