saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
