My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
