He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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