i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
