i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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