How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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