I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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