Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
