its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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