shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
