Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
