dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
babies were throwing up all over the place
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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