i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Randomize
