Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Randomize
