He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I just found a bag of teeth...
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
