its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize