i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
They are going to name an STD after you.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
