I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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