Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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