I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
