I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
