only you would photoshop your dick
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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