Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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