apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
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