I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
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