Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
