my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
