I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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