I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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