theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
