I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I want her autograph on my taint
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
