Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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