I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
