my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
