Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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