sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
