i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
