I just threw up on my dentist
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
