I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
