If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
im calling her cock vulture from now on
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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