I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
