I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
That's intense
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
