Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize