I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
