Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
