so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
