weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
