He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Randomize
