I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
