I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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