I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
