Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
