Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
