Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
