Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
