Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
