Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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