My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
